Day 207 or Sliding Doors

I often engage in the self-indulgent and often self-destructive game of "What if?" What if (insert life-changing event here) had (or had not) happened? It often runs along the lines of my acting or lack of acting career. Seeing a classmate on a best dressed list for the Oscars was the latest (unhealthy) stimulus. So around and around I spin. A merry-go-round of unresolved dreams and "why not me, God?"s. Trust me friends, not a ride you want to hop on -- rather nauseating actually.

But the thing is, I don't play this game fairly. I envision an alternate life where I get everything that I want without giving up anything in this life that I love. But that's not how it works. Over this last seven months I have really started to examine this. Over the years, I have heard the phrase, "life is about the journey, not the destination". But what does that mean? Really?

For me, I think that it is this. Every single step we take is a constant course correction. We often focus on the big decisions and think that is why we end up where we do or do not want to be. But I think that the reality is that our lives are created by millions, if not billions, of decisions. Some large but most small. Choosing each word we say. Choosing what television show we watch. Choosing to make a right coming out of the parking lot rather than a left. Everyday decisions that shape who we are and where we are going.

This can be good or bad news. It means that no life is set on an irrevocable path. But it also means that life cannot be lived as I was living it -- half asleep at the wheel. Life must be conscious. Awake. Aware.

As I settle in for the night, "Julie & Julia" is playing on the television. Where would I be had I not seen the film? If I had not started this little blog? I know one thing, for sure. I would not have met some of the loveliest people of my life. Thank you my friends.

So now, much like the young lover staring at two doors wondering if his fate was a lady or a tiger, I look ahead and wonder which way? And how? Any clues? I always hated that story because the author never told us what happened after he opened the door. But maybe, that's the point. Because it's about the journey, NOT the destination.

Day Thirty - One

Well, I'm really glad that I completed two challenges in the first week because I am still working on the book. It's a great read (Dark Victory) but not an easy read especially with two children.. I will continue this task as I take on another.

This week I am going to choose a recipe and master it. Now for those you not in the know -- if I cook, which is not often, it always involves boxes. But I am going to choose a recipe (I've heard these things are readily available in books and on the Internet), attempt it and re-attempt it until it is not only edible but enjoyable. Fingers crossed. I have checked the batteries in the smoke detector and confirmed the location of the fire extinguisher.

Back to Dark Victory. It is a searing portrait of a fatally flawed, if stunningly talented and beautiful woman. Her painful childhood may have helped mold her but she was pure self-creation. Yankee Puritan turned Hollywood vixen. Married multiple times, she burned as many bridges as she crossed. It really was the perfect book to choose for this journey, however, because while she climbed many of the mountains that I have wanted to climb, I would never want to be her. It really helps me put these questions in perspective. So I toast you, Bette Davis, but I wouldn't want to be you. I celebrate your work but I celebrate my family. I learn from our story while writing my own. Salut!