Monday, June 7, 2010

Day 284 or Between Two Milestones

Right now I stand between two women in very different places in their lives.

I am working with a dear friend to plan a bridal shower for her impending nuptials. Her utter happiness at the beginning of her life with her beloved is absolutely contagious. She is a joy to be around as she reminds me of my days as a bride and as a newlywed. In other words, she carries the glow of beginnings and love.

Tonight I spent the evening with a woman I love very much who is deeply grieving the loss of her life partner, her best friend and lover. The man who gave the days meaning and the nights peace. Her life and her love. She is hurting so desperately and there is nothing I can do to stop that pain. She reminds me of the great cost of great love. I cannot fathom her pain and honestly, I don't want to. I don't want to know that loss.

I stand here between these two worlds. Yet not two worlds. Really two sides to the same coin. The coin we flip everyday that we live and we love. If you love passionately, there is great reward. If you love mightily, there is equal risk. Whether that love is a partner, a child, a friend, or even a dream. Anything we pour ourselves into has the ability to devastate us.

So do we risk taking no risks at all. Is that the answer? No. We have to risk pain, failure, loss, even humiliation to really live.

I can't stand the thought of losing my husband but I wouldn't trade a single day that we've shared to avoid that risk. I'm clear on that. I think that is a lesson of life. Total security and passion cannot co-exist. Not fully, at least. And I think that I have always known that about the loves of my life. But maybe not about my life in general. I think that I have always held back a little trying to limit my disappointment, my embarrassment, my failure.

But no more! With 29 days, I am saying no more. So as I stand between the two, between widow and bride, between youth and age, between beginning and end, I say that I want to live 100%, fully, passionately. Risk or no. I am alive and I am going to live. Between the milestones.


Formerly known as Frau said...

That is a tough one to be in between...the double sided coin...I wouldn't want to be starting new...already living through the hard times and newness...but not ready for the end either. I hope each women the best for the future..I'm with you I pick living to the fullest today.

Carolee Hollenback said...

Great post- the contrast between utter happiness and sadness.

Have a great Tuesday!

Alyssa S. said...

That is sort of a strange place to be, but really does highlight the dichotomy that we live everyday (how's that for using a $100 word of the day?) Sometimes I get so caught up in the muddle of everyday, I forget to live life to the fullest...but you've reminded me why I need to!

One Photo said...

You've got your groove on Miss Traci! I think all of us at times hold back on letting go fully with our feelings, but when we do that we are not living life to the full. Better to have loved and lost.....and all that I think is so very true

Nancy C said...

This is gorgeous. One my friends and her husband are fighting effing cancer, so these words really hit home.

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Liz Mays said...

We must live life every moment like it's our last, because it could be. And it is for some.

Felicity Grace Terry said...

What a beautifully written post. Having spent a fair amount of time these past few weeks visiting Husband dearest in hospital my heart goes out to your friend - to loose ones life partner must be terrible and as you say you feel so helpless, all you can do is be there for her.

Tired Mom T├ęsa said...

I love the analogy of the coin. How difficult that must be for you. I'm glad to read you have been enlightened a little through it all.

Tiffany said...

That is so have to take risks or else life isn't worth living! Thinking of both of your friends...and you!

Betty Manousos said...

Love this post Tracie, so thought-provoking and very true!
I'm back from London
Missed you!
B xx