Monday, October 19, 2009

Day Fifty - Three

I have a tremendous fear of depression. I have seen too many people I love immobilized by it so I have spent much of my life running from it. I see now, however, that running from something doesn't necessarily get you anywhere.

When my brother died, I never stopped just to be sad. I was so intent on "living" and "doing" and "succeeding" in honor of him, I never took the time to take in the profound loss in my life. I had grad school auditions to prepare for and I was hell bent on getting into a good school. I was successful. I got into ACT in San Francisco, a fabulous school but then proceeded to spend my first year there doing the mourning I ran from the year before. (Sorry to my classmates as some of my acting exercises became informal therapy!)

Today, I run in a different way. I focus so hard on having a forward-looking positive attitude and a dream for the future. Which sounds terrific. Except that I sometimes have the blinders on to today -- to life, both good and bad. While I might skim over some rough parts of life this way, I also skim over some real happy moments, as well.

That's one of the reasons I started this blog. So I would stop running at least for a few moments a day -- to take stock and to see my life as it is today, not as simply another box to check off towards tomorrow. Life is not a giant to-do list. And if I don't stop running, I'll look back at a calendar full of "X"s but no real memories. And that may the most depressing thing I ever heard.

5 comments:

!!The Obnoxious SAHM!! said...

Being one that has dealt with depression, I can tell you it is beyond a sad point. Its like a dark hole.

I believe that writing is healthy not only for the mind, but for the soul. It can open doors to different rooms that you may not have been aware that were there and growth can take place, as you release burdens and concerns.

(cheers to blogging!)

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

I've been through that when i lost my dad 4 yeras ago.
I believe that doing things we love is a solution to beat depression.The difficult part is to figure out what really makes us happy and when we discover it to folllow our dream.
hugs hugs

Amira said...

Personally, I think you are a bright spirit with tons of positive energy! But I totally hear what you are saying. I think it also goes back to being truly kind to yourself and listening to all of your internal impulses. Some need more time to come through and be heard than others. And some aren't as pleasant and "fun!"

Unknown Mami said...

I suffer from PTSD, panic attacks... all I can do is focus on the NOW. The best way out is always through.

Traci said...

Thanks, guys. All of your shared experiences, thoughts and support really make me feel special and valued. I am truly blessed.