Thursday, October 29, 2009

Day Sixty - Three

Wow! Two months since I started this crazy thing. Thanks to all of you have continued to stop by. I am learning that I don't have to do this all by myself and that's a good feeling. It's soooo much easier when I let people help me.

It can be a hard thing to ask for help. When you're a young child, you eagerly find opportunities to "do it myself". And later in elementary school, you learn that friends can judge when you're unsure. Conversations start carrying the phrase, "I know but I want to see if you know" whenever seemingly grown-up subjects come in to play. In other words, if you don't know something, don't let people know. Being a less than together child (read: mess), I was an especial target for such "tests".

So I have spent a lifetime becoming, well... something of a know-it-all. Now, not in an in-your-face, blow-hard, constant fountain of undesired information kind of way. But I'm unreasonably afraid of being caught ignorant. I am voracious in my hunger for knowledge of all sorts. I read EVERYTHING! I'm working on my fourth degree and I try to absorb any knowledge anyone shares with me like a sponge. And as I said, I don't just run around throwing information bombs at people. But when asked something, I tend to overspeak... a lot. I have a very comfy soap box and I pull it out a little too easy. Okay WAAAAAY too easy.

So as I become comfortable in my skin, I hope to become more comfortable in my mind. If I know that I know, I don't have to show. Does that make sense? Well, if it doesn't, I won't spend the next hour explaining why it does. My soap-box is safely stored in the closet. I'm trying to see if I can let it gather a little dust. Just a little...


kys said...

I have that fear. (Of not knowing something.) I'm so much better about it than I used to be.

When I was a kid, I mispronounced a word in class and some nerdy (more nerdy than me even) jerk laughed at me. It just about ruined me forever.

mama-face said...

I find this so interesting. I was the kid scared of my own shadow who never raised my hand even though I knew the answer. I was dang smart but the smart kids were teased and I couldn't handle that. Taught myself to think of myself as not as smart as I really am. What a sentence! I don't even know if that made one bit of sense; but I appreciate your expression of your thirst for knowledge. You said a lot of what I feel.