Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Day Sixty-Eight or Don't Stop Believing

For those of you who don't know, I went to school with some seriously successful, famous people. I say this not to drop names (which I won't do but I assure you that you wouldn't have to Google them) but to explain a little of my journey. When I attended undergrad, I went in to school full of vim and vigor ready to rock the world. There were a few bumps and bruises along the way but when I got into ACT, I really felt that I was on my way to a professional acting career. (Trust me, NO ONE commits to a house payment in student loans for thirty years if she doesn't expect to work in her chosen field!!!!)

So I really wanted a life Acting. Now when I dreamed -- it wasn't of red carpets and magazine covers. I just wanted to act. For. The. Rest. Of. My. Life. I never imagined that the day would come when I didn't act.

Well, life happens. I'll spare you the story. We all have them. But the reality is that I'm not acting. I haven't acted in a LONG time. And some days this hurts!!! And that is a lot of the reason why I started this journey. This blog.

I don't know why lightning hasn't struck for me and has for others. But I do believe that there is a reason (even if the Big Guy upstairs is not always forthcoming). I'm not really a jealous person so I don't begrudge any of my former classmates and acquaintances. It's just that their success is very good at defining my lack of success. To have been on a parallel trail with someone whose life took a very different trajectory posits a clear relief to one's path.

I know...Wa Wa Wa. I have a lot, I mean A LOT, for which to be thankful. That is not at all lost on me. I've said it before, we never know what we would lose if we were to change anything in our life. There is not a role, an award, or a bank account that I would trade for my family.

"Get to the point, Traci!"

"I am running a little long tonight, huh?"

So, what is all this about? I started this journey to help me answer these questions for myself and maybe, rediscover some of that vim and vigor. And I think that something is changing in me. Whether I want to or not, I still believe. I really do. Even sitting on my bed in worn PJs, typing on a laptop that is slowly dying, in the middle of Texas, I still believe. I don't know how. I SURE don't know when. But I believe. Remember the moment when Natalie Wood decides she believes in "Miracle on 34th Street"?

"I believe... I believe... It's silly, but I believe."

It's silly. I know a lot of people in my life that wonder why I don't just move on. But I believe. I believe. It's silly, but I believe.

So in the words of another Journey -- "Don't Stop Believing". I won't.


Unknown said...

What a great post. I know that it is difficult to NOT judge ourselves by others that have accomplished what we want. It really is vital to happiness not to do that! I am glad you are never going to stop believing! Great things are in store for you. God can answer your prayers in ways you never thought possible! : )

Claudya Martinez said...

I believe, too!

mommakin said...

A friend of mine's daughter - aged 5 - just asked him if it was ok to believe things in your heart even if your head told you they were silly. Now what do you think he told her? Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!

Unknown said...

Loved this post! I believe in you Traci!

Tracie said...

I think we should never stop believing. There is a difference between hope and delusion. (That song was what woke me up this am. A sign? Maybe.)

Sonya said...

What a great post this is!! It is hard sometimes to not judge ourselves based on others who are doing what we love. I've often asked myself a million times why things havent happend for me like they have for others..I still believe though and Im glad you do too.

Mama-Face said...

Although acting was never in my future; I always find I can relate to you. I like the way you express yourself. It's easy on the Mom scale to compare paths. Even in the blog world. Enjoy the journey. I try to. :)

Now that song is stuck in my head. Journey is awesome. Of course they are from my era...