For those of you who don't know, I went to school with some seriously successful, famous people. I say this not to drop names (which I won't do but I assure you that you wouldn't have to Google them) but to explain a little of my journey. When I attended undergrad, I went in to school full of vim and vigor ready to rock the world. There were a few bumps and bruises along the way but when I got into ACT, I really felt that I was on my way to a professional acting career. (Trust me, NO ONE commits to a house payment in student loans for thirty years if she doesn't expect to work in her chosen field!!!!)
So I really wanted a life Acting. Now when I dreamed -- it wasn't of red carpets and magazine covers. I just wanted to act. For. The. Rest. Of. My. Life. I never imagined that the day would come when I didn't act.
Well, life happens. I'll spare you the story. We all have them. But the reality is that I'm not acting. I haven't acted in a LONG time. And some days this hurts!!! And that is a lot of the reason why I started this journey. This blog.
I don't know why lightning hasn't struck for me and has for others. But I do believe that there is a reason (even if the Big Guy upstairs is not always forthcoming). I'm not really a jealous person so I don't begrudge any of my former classmates and acquaintances. It's just that their success is very good at defining my lack of success. To have been on a parallel trail with someone whose life took a very different trajectory posits a clear relief to one's path.
I know...Wa Wa Wa. I have a lot, I mean A LOT, for which to be thankful. That is not at all lost on me. I've said it before, we never know what we would lose if we were to change anything in our life. There is not a role, an award, or a bank account that I would trade for my family.
"Get to the point, Traci!"
"I am running a little long tonight, huh?"
So, what is all this about? I started this journey to help me answer these questions for myself and maybe, rediscover some of that vim and vigor. And I think that something is changing in me. Whether I want to or not, I still believe. I really do. Even sitting on my bed in worn PJs, typing on a laptop that is slowly dying, in the middle of Texas, I still believe. I don't know how. I SURE don't know when. But I believe. Remember the moment when Natalie Wood decides she believes in "Miracle on 34th Street"?
"I believe... I believe... It's silly, but I believe."
It's silly. I know a lot of people in my life that wonder why I don't just move on. But I believe. I believe. It's silly, but I believe.
So in the words of another Journey -- "Don't Stop Believing". I won't.