Day 169 or Finding My Footing

Back in August, I started this blog to chronicle my attempt to live more fully. After years of feeling adrift without a strong compass in my pocket, I wanted to find my path and get moving on it. And I did feel like I had developed some traction.

As many of you know, I have a rough start to the year. Big Bad Illness took me out for two weeks and then the very untimely passing of my FIL. Now I started 2010 with a lot of hope (and several more blogs which are wasting away at the moment) and these events have shaken me off my newly found course a bit. But I am committed to getting back on solid footing and making 2010 my year. A year that I can look back on and say that was a year that I lived. Truly lived. So I'm starting the New Year over.

Losing a loved one can drain passion from life. It can make the world seem colder and more lonely. Or it can inspire you to breathe a little deeper, hug a little longer, and live a little better. So in my 2010 reboot, I am choosing the latter. I am choosing life.

So once again, I begin my climb up the mountain. A little shaky maybe but I'm still climbing. Can't say I won't lose my footing again but if I do, I will dust myself off and start climbing again. Because as many have said before me, life is not about the destination but the journey or if you prefer, as John Lennon said in his beautiful song, "Darling Boy", life is what happens when you are busy making plans.

Close your eyes,
Have no fear,
The monsters gone,
He's on the run and your daddy's here,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Before you go to sleep,
Say a little prayer,
Every day in every way,
It's getting better and better,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,

Out on the ocean sailing away,
I can hardly wait,
To see you to come of age,
But I guess we'll both,
Just have to be patient,
Yes it's a long way to go,
But in the meantime,

Before you cross the street,
Take my hand,
Life is just what happens to you,
While your busy making other plans,

Beautiful,
Beautiful, beautiful,
Beautiful Boy,
Darling,
Darling,
Darling Sean.

Day 127 or Living My Life Forwards

This week, I shook off ten years worth of dust on the book Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. Some of you may remember that it was pretty in vogue during the late 1990's as a guide to getting the life of which you dream. I, of course, owned it. For a myriad of reasons (nice use of myriad, huh? I knew that word-a-day calendar would pay off eventually), but most prominently it was a self-help book, it was pink, and Oprah said to buy it. Because you know if Oprah says to buy it, I must.

All that said, it really is a lovely book (did I mention that it's pink?). Its message of gratitude first is one that speaks to me deeply. And it's a day-book which means that I can read it in small digestible bits of time that even I can do now with my two kiddos. But sometime ago, it joined the other dust-covered "self-help" books on my shelf (many promoted by Oprah, BTW). Please don't misunderstand me. There is nothing wrong with any of these books. I have even gotten good from them but at the heart, something was missing. Me. I was missing. I was looking outside of me. I wanted the act of reading the book to magically fix me. Looking back, I'm not even sure I know what needed to be "Fixed".

So back to Simple Abundance. It's a new year which always draws me to that shelf (and the corresponding one in Barnes & Noble) and its cover (you know, the pink one) caught my eye. So I revisited her. And in reading the Foreword, I found this quote front and center:

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want. -- Margaret Young

I think that is the journey I'm on right now -- being who I really am, finding what I need to do, and doing it. So I'm taking Simple Abundance off the shelf for a whirl again. I'm not looking to be "fixed". Because I'm not broken. I've just been a little lost. And when you're lost, a map and a compass are pretty useful. And whether this book (or any other, for that matter) can provide a map remains to be seen. But I know this. I have a compass. I always have. It's my heart. And right now, we're heading to True North.

Day 126 or a New Day, A New Year

How do I say thank you for helping me change my life? How do I say thank you for encircling me with a support system that I have never known? How do I say thank you for prayers for health and words of consolation? I don't think there are enough words but here is my global attempt...

Thank you. Merci. Gracias. 谢谢。Dank u. Danke. Grazie. ありがとう。당신을 감사하십시오. Obrigado. Вы.

You are all in my heart and you are a part of my growth. My beautiful friend, bloggy and otherwise, Unknown Mami told me that I could answer John Lennon's question, "And what have you done?" with this blog. I think that she's right. I started this blog to find out who I am right now and where I want to go now, not where I wanted to go when I was 20. Because that's changed. Because I've changed. And I am becoming okay with that day by day. Some days more than others but I am feeling a momentum in my life that I have not had in years.

So today I will spare you my list of resolutions -- it is always longer than it should be. But I will share this. In 2010, I resolve to continue to grow into this 38 year old skin, be a little more proud of that 38 year old, and share her a little more. Thanks for coming by in 2009. I hope to see you in 2010 and hopefully, you'll see a little more of me.