Day Seventy - Seven

Today would have been my brother Will's thirty-fifth birthday. I hope that they are bringing down the house in Heaven. Love you, bro.

Thinking about him brings me back to my childhood and one of my favorite songs WAY back then was "Sing" by the Carpenters. (It was used on Sesame Street and has a great kid's chorus!)I had it on both a 45 and a long-playing record. I heard it again this evening for the first time in years. I was singing along, as I have already admitted that I do, and all the words rolled off my tongue as if I was still six and singing on my driveway imagining that a limousine was going to pull up and whisk me away to the life for which I was destined. Playing Annie on Broadway, of course. Funny thing. They did not find me at the end of my horseshoe shaped road in a rural subdivision on the outskirts of Austin. They managed to find Sarah Jessica, however. Go figure!

So back to "Sing" which I was doing. Likely out of tune, but let's ignore that. Back to the words.

Sing. Sing a Song.
Sing out loud.
Sing out strong.

Make it simple
To last your whole life long.
Don't worry that it's not good enough
For anyone else to hear.
Sing. Sing a Song.

Really good words (even if set in a very cheesy 70s major chord chorus, verse, chorus set-up). So whether it's writing a blog, writing a novel, or actually singing a song... don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear. Just sing or write. As Nike said so many years ago ... just do it.

Day Fifty - Three

I have a tremendous fear of depression. I have seen too many people I love immobilized by it so I have spent much of my life running from it. I see now, however, that running from something doesn't necessarily get you anywhere.

When my brother died, I never stopped just to be sad. I was so intent on "living" and "doing" and "succeeding" in honor of him, I never took the time to take in the profound loss in my life. I had grad school auditions to prepare for and I was hell bent on getting into a good school. I was successful. I got into ACT in San Francisco, a fabulous school but then proceeded to spend my first year there doing the mourning I ran from the year before. (Sorry to my classmates as some of my acting exercises became informal therapy!)

Today, I run in a different way. I focus so hard on having a forward-looking positive attitude and a dream for the future. Which sounds terrific. Except that I sometimes have the blinders on to today -- to life, both good and bad. While I might skim over some rough parts of life this way, I also skim over some real happy moments, as well.

That's one of the reasons I started this blog. So I would stop running at least for a few moments a day -- to take stock and to see my life as it is today, not as simply another box to check off towards tomorrow. Life is not a giant to-do list. And if I don't stop running, I'll look back at a calendar full of "X"s but no real memories. And that may the most depressing thing I ever heard.