Day 186 or Don't Look Back

Throughout religions, the concept of facing forward into an uncertain future without looking back has been stressed. As Lot brought his wife out of Gomorrah, she looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt. Orpheus had doubts that his beautiful Eurydice was actually behind him as he traversed his way up out of the Underworld. He snuck a peek back and she was whisked back by Hades. In other words, Don't Look Back! (By the way, this is pretty good advice if you find yourself in a horror film.)

I am terribly at looking back. Rather than embracing the unknown and considering all the might possibility that the future can hold, I get lost re-running past events over and over. Even if I am running from my metaphorical city of ruins, I will look back just one more time. So yeah, I would absolutely be a pillar of salt.

Imagine if Orpheus could have had faith as he broke out of the dark confines of the Underworld into the sun and fresh air of the living world. He could have lived the rest of days with the love of his life. How many dreams do I inadvertently squash because I can't let go of my past and insecurities and break into the light?

So here I come great unknown. I say goodbye to the burning ruins of my past, the Underworld of my fears. I am going to have a little faith. I made it this far, right? What will a few more steps cost me? They may gain me a lot. They may gain me my life.

So in my favorite '70s radio dedication style: a few words of wisdom from Boston.

Don't look back
A new day is breakin'
It's been too long since I felt this way
I don't mind where I get taken
The road is callin'
Today is the day

I can see
It took so long just to realize
I'm much too strong
Not to compromise
Now I see what I am is holding me down
I'll turn it around, oh yes I will

I finally see the dawn arrivin'
I see beyond the road I'm drivin'

It's a bright horizon and I'm awakin' now
Oh I see myself in a brand new way
The sun is shinin'
The clouds are breakin'
'Cause I can't lose now, there's no game to play

I can tell
There's no more time left to criticize
I've seen what I could not recognize
Everthing in my life was leading me on
But I can be strong, oh yes i can

I finally see the dawn arrivin'
I see beyond the road I'm drivin'
Far away and left behind, left behind

Oh the sun is shinin' *and I wanna go*

Don't look back
A new day is breakin'
It's been too long since I felt this way
I don't mind where I get taken
The road is callin'
Today is the day

I can see
It took so long just to realize
I'm much too strong
Not to compromise
Now I see what I am is holding me down
I'll turn it around, oh yes I will

I finally see the dawn arriving
I see beyond the road I'm driving
Far away and left behind

Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't look back...

Day 171 or Getting Back on the Horse

Last night, I did something unusual. Except that it didn't used to be unusual. It used to be a very common, almost daily experience.

I walked into a theater. And I auditioned. For a play. With an accent!

And I auditioned at a theater that once was like a second home. A theater where I did ten plays, three children's' plays, taught classes, worked in the box office, house managed... heck if you name it, I did it. And I loved it. I loved this theater. But that was a long time ago. Three cities, one graduate school, and two kids ago. In other words, a lifetime (or two).

As I walked back into the theater, I saw all the current actors of the time. The young girls hugging all their compatriots. The young men slapping each other on the back. And I realized the meaning of the phrase, "You can't go home again".

It's not that I wasn't welcomed. The few that still knew me were gracious. It's just that life moves on. I think that sometimes when we leave someone or something, we expect it to remain the same and in a constant state of anticipation of our return. But that's not what happens. And last night, I walked right smack into that reality.

So I had to meet this audition where I am today and meet this theater where it is today. And the theater is in a great place. It has grown immensely since I left. But have I? It's not an easy question to answer.

Here's what I am feeling. I have grown as a woman. And it is from this personage that I draw my art. And I have shared my art through my teaching. So the well is still deep. But my skills are rusty. It's as if the well has a very rusty crank. It's bringing the water up but it's a lot slower than it used to be. So that's something to work on. And in 2010, I am committing to getting the old tool kit out and start rubbing off some of that rust.

Can't say what will come of the audition. Can't say what part this (or any theater) will play in my life today or in the future. But I'm ready to re-join the rodeo and last night I got back on the horse. My legs might be a little chapped but I can still ride. And for now, that almost as good as winning grand prize.

Day Seventy - Seven

Today would have been my brother Will's thirty-fifth birthday. I hope that they are bringing down the house in Heaven. Love you, bro.

Thinking about him brings me back to my childhood and one of my favorite songs WAY back then was "Sing" by the Carpenters. (It was used on Sesame Street and has a great kid's chorus!)I had it on both a 45 and a long-playing record. I heard it again this evening for the first time in years. I was singing along, as I have already admitted that I do, and all the words rolled off my tongue as if I was still six and singing on my driveway imagining that a limousine was going to pull up and whisk me away to the life for which I was destined. Playing Annie on Broadway, of course. Funny thing. They did not find me at the end of my horseshoe shaped road in a rural subdivision on the outskirts of Austin. They managed to find Sarah Jessica, however. Go figure!

So back to "Sing" which I was doing. Likely out of tune, but let's ignore that. Back to the words.

Sing. Sing a Song.
Sing out loud.
Sing out strong.

Make it simple
To last your whole life long.
Don't worry that it's not good enough
For anyone else to hear.
Sing. Sing a Song.

Really good words (even if set in a very cheesy 70s major chord chorus, verse, chorus set-up). So whether it's writing a blog, writing a novel, or actually singing a song... don't worry that it's not good enough for anyone else to hear. Just sing or write. As Nike said so many years ago ... just do it.

Day Seventy - One

So my friend UM shared with me that there is already a great Friday Friends style program. I told you guys. I don't enough to know what I don't know.

It's called Favorite Post Friday. A very cute blog -- 2toddlersandme.blogspot.com hosts it. They don't seem to be doing it this week, though, so I will start that next week. In the mean, check out thatgirlblogs. Her Tuesday post called "Won't You Be My Neighbor?" really caught my funnybone (as her posts usually do).


As to my lack of inspiration yesterday, it still seems to be lingering. In truth, I think that I know the cause. Despite all my "Dont' Stop Believing" this week, I got some less than thrilling feedback from a writing teacher and I think that I let it put a little damper on my high riding Journey-fueled belief trip.

I know that this is part of the problem. I let other people's opinions weigh very heavy on my sense of self and accomplishment. It wasn't even terrible feedback but it was eough for me to step off the train at the "I Stink" Station and catch the local to "Poor Me". (Where is a Steve Perry power chorus when you need it?)

But today, I am going to change the itinerary. I'm getting back on the train. I'm leaving the Pitiful Paulines and Negative Nancies (my apologies to all the Paulines and Nancies of the world) at the depot. Try-it Traci is headed out. Next stop: Hopeful.

Day Sixty Nine or "The Spelling Bee"

Tonight, my good friend, AW, and I went to see a wacky yet insightful musical called "The Spelling Bee". I did not stop smiling or laughing for over two hours -- my cheeks and jaw hurt! It was the story of a local spelling bee and its cornucopia of oddballs, overachievers, and social misfits. As each of the group tries to grasp the golden ring, we see how much they need or want this triumph. More than that we see why we need our triumphs.

It matters not whether it's a trophy for spelling or soccer, a diploma, or just a momentarily clean kitchen. We have to take a moment to celebrate the ticks in the win column. We have to take a moment to say, "Yea, me!"

So, no I am not a perfect mom. I am an intermittent house cleaner. And I am not an Oscar winning actress or a working actress for that matter. But I am kind. And I love my kids. And I try to do better everyday. And I don't give up. So "Yea, me!"

Take a minute today and create your own winning list. And tell yourself, "Yea, me!" Heck, I'll say it for you, "Yea You!"

Day Sixty-Eight or Don't Stop Believing

For those of you who don't know, I went to school with some seriously successful, famous people. I say this not to drop names (which I won't do but I assure you that you wouldn't have to Google them) but to explain a little of my journey. When I attended undergrad, I went in to school full of vim and vigor ready to rock the world. There were a few bumps and bruises along the way but when I got into ACT, I really felt that I was on my way to a professional acting career. (Trust me, NO ONE commits to a house payment in student loans for thirty years if she doesn't expect to work in her chosen field!!!!)

So I really wanted a life Acting. Now when I dreamed -- it wasn't of red carpets and magazine covers. I just wanted to act. For. The. Rest. Of. My. Life. I never imagined that the day would come when I didn't act.

Well, life happens. I'll spare you the story. We all have them. But the reality is that I'm not acting. I haven't acted in a LONG time. And some days this hurts!!! And that is a lot of the reason why I started this journey. This blog.

I don't know why lightning hasn't struck for me and has for others. But I do believe that there is a reason (even if the Big Guy upstairs is not always forthcoming). I'm not really a jealous person so I don't begrudge any of my former classmates and acquaintances. It's just that their success is very good at defining my lack of success. To have been on a parallel trail with someone whose life took a very different trajectory posits a clear relief to one's path.

I know...Wa Wa Wa. I have a lot, I mean A LOT, for which to be thankful. That is not at all lost on me. I've said it before, we never know what we would lose if we were to change anything in our life. There is not a role, an award, or a bank account that I would trade for my family.

"Get to the point, Traci!"

"I am running a little long tonight, huh?"

So, what is all this about? I started this journey to help me answer these questions for myself and maybe, rediscover some of that vim and vigor. And I think that something is changing in me. Whether I want to or not, I still believe. I really do. Even sitting on my bed in worn PJs, typing on a laptop that is slowly dying, in the middle of Texas, I still believe. I don't know how. I SURE don't know when. But I believe. Remember the moment when Natalie Wood decides she believes in "Miracle on 34th Street"?

"I believe... I believe... It's silly, but I believe."

It's silly. I know a lot of people in my life that wonder why I don't just move on. But I believe. I believe. It's silly, but I believe.

So in the words of another Journey -- "Don't Stop Believing". I won't.