Day 329 or It's Friday, I'm Fragmented and a Little Bit Green

The last week have been really listening to the things my kids have had to say -- some silly, some profound, and some just darn funny. So in honor of Friday Fragments, I thought that I would share some wisdom from the mouths of babes.

My daughter still speaks a great deal about her grandfather that passed last winter. She also speaks a lot about angels. This week she told me about how she was an angel before she was born. She told me that she was waiting to come to Earth. Now she hasn't been exposed to the Well of Souls so I have no idea where this came from but it was super sincere. She then started an even deeper discussion about how people can be "in her heart". I attempted to explain that when someone dies, they never leave us, that they will always be in our hearts. Well, she then wanted to know how they could get there because her heart was inside. She was concerned that there might not be enough room. It is so sweet how literal she is and reminds of the beauty of child-vision.

On the other side of this coin, my son on a completely different day, started a conversation about ghosts. But should you ever need to put into relief the difference between how a six-year old boy thinks from a three year-old girl thinks, here it is. We were in the car and as a good six-year old boy is known to do, he passed gas. I called him on it and he told me that a ghost did it. I answered that ghosts don't have gas. He then replied that they did not have "hineys". He furthered that ghosts also did not go to the bathroom because they did not have penises. So there you go. Important information to know, right?

My daughter has also begun telling me that she is too busy for me as she has work. (Personally, her "work" looks more like mess-making than I might prefer, but what are you going to do?) This one hurt a little because I actually went back to work this summer. And, when I make a mistake, she says, "You didn't know, Mommy. You didn't know". So you heard it first here, folks, I didn't know.

On a completely different note, I am still having issues with my iPhone after it is was "improved". Since the ill-fated update, the phone says that vibrate is set for sound or silent but it has not worked since the change. Any suggestions?I need my vibration, you know. I know that some of you are tech savvy, if you have ideas, please share.

This week, I was inspired by my new IRL friend, Erin, I re-visited my commitment to being green, I wrote more about it in my other blog Cold Comfort Living. I have failed a lot lately but I am ready to do better. I am proud, however, of what we are doing for Heifer International. The latest tally of $220 buys a goat, two flocks of chicks, and a tree! Yay! That's got be good and green!

Finally, here is my profund thought of the day. I am watching Veggie Tales with my daughter. The veggies are eating fruit. Is that akin to cannibalism? I don't know but it just doesn't seem quite right. Just sayin. :-)

So there we are. Check out Mrs. 4444 at Half Past Kissing Time and join in the Fragmented Fun!

Day 245 or Kids Say the Beautifulest Things

Remember that show "Kids Say the Darndest Things"? First, it was Art Linkletter and then it was Bill Cosby. The set-up was that children were asked seemingly innocuous questions and then the children would answer, well like... children.

I sure wish that show was still around because my children would be excellent candidates. I wish that I could remember everything cute that they say but it's impossible. But below is an example of what I would call, "Kids Say the Beautifulest Things".


As many of you know, we lost my FIL earlier this year. On a daily basis, the following conversation happens.

Daughter: Mommy, did (Grandpa) die?
Me: Yes, Baby. Where is (GP)?
D: In Heaven with the angels.
M: That's right, baby.

But this week, the following elements were added.

D: Mommy, did (GP) die?
M: Yes, Baby. Where is (GP)?
D: In Heaven with the angels. He's in the charge of the music.

On another occasion, we were in the car with my son.

D: Mommy, did (GP) die?
M: Yes Baby. Where is (GP)?
D: In Heaven with the angels.
M: That's right.
Son: Mommy, do you know who else is with (GP) and the angels?
M: Who?
S: Tuna Boy (our beloved cat that we lost in December). Tuna Boy loves to dance.

These conversations so touch my heart because we think that kids can't handle things like death. We think that they have no understanding of Heaven and then, as per usual, I learn my greatest lessons from them.

They miss their (GP) and their cat. But when they ask about them, it is never with fear or sadness but with the innocence of a child learning to understand why something he/she loves is no longer with them. My daughter asks the questions EVERY day with the same freshness but each time, her answer is a little more resolved. If only I could be that way in my life with much smaller things, much less on something as profound as death.

Before, I fog up my screen with my mistiness at my own children, I will close with one last observation from my daughter. I think it says it all.

D: Mommy, is (GP) in my heart?
M: Yes, Baby. He will always be in your heart.
D: Is he in your heart?
M: Yes, Baby. Whenever we love someone, they are always in our heart.
D: Oh.... Am I in your heart?
M: Of course.
D: Okay. You're in my heart, too.

Day 227 or UBP,May I Introduce Myself

Hi Everyone. For those of you who have previously joined me over the last 226 days, please forgive me for any boring, seemingly repetitive information -- well, not seemingly repetitive, probably actually repetitive. Nonetheless, please bear with me. Don' run away screaming or worse, skulk away as if you were never here (yes, I used skulk. I knew one day I would find an opportunity to use a 13th century Scandinavian word. Pretty good for a little Texan girl. But I digress -- don't do it. No skulking!)

So for those of you still with me, here's the Reader's Digest story of my life in the blogging world. About a month after turning 38 (hence the title), I found myself a SAHM in a new town. I say found myself which is ironic (not in the Alanis Morisette way) because I was very lost. I had not succeeded in the dreams of my 20s yet I had a good life. I was blessed with a fabulous family but I had nothing that was challenging me, driving me. And I had aways been driven. I'm a famously hard worker. So besides volunteering for WAY too many PTA committees (See here), what was a girl to do?

So on a girls' night with my best friend of almost 30 years, I saw the film, "Julie and Julia" and I saw something in myself in both of the women. They were women that had a lot in life but no direction, no sense of themselves in those lives. So Julia started cooking (SOOOOOO not gonna happen) but Julie started a blog and I thought "I could do that!" So I did. I started a blog. Just like that. On a whim. And basically, my husband and brother read it.

Then I got brave and told some old friends. And a few read. But one very special friend from one of my many former lives (Unknown Mami) told me a funny thing. She blogged, too. For some of the same reasons. And for reasons of her own (the beauty of blogging). And she taught me how to find other blogs and helped other bloggers find me. She taught me etiquette. But mostly, she taught me that the blogging world was safe and for that I am forever grateful to that beautiful unknown mamasita in the MOST beautiful city in the world. She knows this already but I truly left my heart there.

So I started to see people's names show up after my posts. And these names had things to say. To tell me that my hair wouldn't be orange forever, that I am NOT the worst mom in the world, that the pain of loss would pass, and that somehow I mattered in this world, in THEIR world. Wow! If you knew what a softy I was, you'd know that I am crying now. Literally right now -- salty keyboard, yuck! Oh and I am listening to Barry Manilow which doesn't help. Mandy gets me every time.

So that's it. Over time, I have made beautiful friendships, I have gotten to know myself a little more. I have gotten braver and I am finding myself a little less lost (slightly less ironic use of finding). I ramble. I am goofy (well established!) I am an imperfect mom, an out-of-work actress, an aspiring screenwriter (and actress, still, despite all logic or sense of reality), a lover of books with no time to read, and most days, pretty nice. So that's my intro. If you're not frightened off, great! Stay and have some fun. If you're on the fence -- read here (it's all the scary things you should know up front). And if you now feel like you have wasted precious minutes of your life (especially if you clicked any of the links), well I can't exactly blame you. I am not every one's cup of tea. But as I approach 39, I have finally become MY cup of tea.

Oh, and if you are not bored with me yet, I review kid's movies over at I'd Let My Kid See That and my husband and I are trying to live a little greener over at Cold Comfort Living.

Day 161 or Coming into the light

Hi, everyone. I have begun to come out from under the heavy grey clouds to look for the sun. Thank you to everyone who stopped by and shared the love. I haven't written in a week but every now and then I peeked at the comments and oh, oh how they warmed my heart. Much like the sun that has chosen to shine for the first time in eight days -- metaphorically and atmospherically. I'm not quite ready to be my pithy little self so I'll just share a few more borrowed words but first, let me say this. I am immensely grateful that you have chosen to be a part of my world. It matters. You matter. And slowly, I will get back around to tell you personally.

So once again, I go to my play list to share my feelings. You can't go wrong with George Harrison. Soon enough I will speak for myself but today, I'll let his words carry my thoughts.

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

Day 154 or Stop all the Clocks

A lovely man left this world yesterday to start his new adventure. He shall be greatly missed. It is stunning how such personal loss can seem unfelt by the greater world. Life continues on and there is a great beauty in that but personally it can feel so incongruent that one has trouble catching breath. Fifteen years ago, I lost my brother and I read this beautiful poem by Auden. My FIL attended that funeral and today I post these same words in his honor. Auden expressed these feelings of disconnect far better than I so I shall let this great man's words properly honor another great man.


Funeral Blues

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.


To my friends, thank you for your prayers. They were felt. I'm not sure when I will swing by next. But I will be back. Until then I say, thank you from my heart.

Day 143 or Remember the Dream and Haiti

Yesterday, I spoke of my little hair hardship as if it were a real hardship, it is not. Years ago, a heroic man named Martin Luther King, Jr. led many a heroic person to fight against true hardship. At soup counters and on buses, brave men and women bore insult and injury to prove that we are all God's creation and all worthy of dignity and respect. And as the truly mighty do, he and his legions of followers did it with the power of truth. Slanderous name-calling was not rebuffed with pettiness of thought or word but with stoic silence. Because the truth speaks for itself. Violence was not returned with the closed fists of rioting but with the open hand of friendship to whomever would walk in the name of that truth.

I salute all the Freedom Fighters. Because when one is oppressed, all are oppressed. And when one speaks for freedom, he speaks for us all. I stand in awe of those who fought battles and died to make this country the realization of its promise. MLK did not live to see an earthly promised land but I know he walks with the angels today. And we may not have fully reached that promised land but we can keep walking. We will one day fully come out of the desert if we can continue to hold out our hands and embrace each other regardless of color or creed, sex or sexuality, religion or politics. When we choose the words of kindness, when we choose the path of understanding, we not only free the other, we free ourselves. Then, and only then, we will truly reach the Promised Land.

Yesterday, I spoke of my little hair heartache as if it was a real heartache, it is not. Today, I read the posting of a woman who lost her daughter one month ago. The daughter was the same age as my daughter. Her heartache was real. Today, I watched a family discuss the loss of their nine year old to someone who was texting while driving. That is heartache. There loss is real and profound and what they lost cannot grow back or be restored. I stand in awe of their strength and grace in the face of real heartache.

Yesterday, I spoke of my little hair disaster as if it was a real disaster, it is not. The people of Haiti are suffering from a real disaster. One that will not fade away as the hair color will. It cannot be managed by a trip around the corner and it will not be forgotten in a week, or a month, or a year when the remnants of the offending color no longer intrude on my thoughts.

Tonight, I watched a woman being pulled out of the rubble after being trapped for over five days. When her husband helped locate her and help finally reached her, the first thing she politely asked for from her concrete prison was a glass of water. Said it would be lovely. The second words from her mouth were for her husband telling him that if they could not get her out in time, she would always love him. They were able to get her out. And when they did, she began to sing. Sing. I stand in awe of this woman and all the people of Haiti who have found strength to sing when there literal world has crashed around them.

So as I cuddled my children in my arms, and smelt their hair, and treasured our freedom, our life, and our safety, I thanked God that my hardships, heartaches, and disasters were relegated to a bad day with hair color. I am mightily. mightily blessed. And with those children in my arms, I heard one of my favorite songs, "Fire and Ice". I have always loved the song but it was made a hundred times more profound to me on September 11, 2002 when James Taylor performed it live at Ground Zero to mark the year anniversary of 9/11. It carries a resounding chorus of loss and hope uniquely intertwined. When I heard its haunting melody, I thought of those parents and their daughters (forever lost from this Earth) and I thought of the Haitian couple reunited after a week of despair and darkness and yet, a deep determination.

So I thought that I would share those beautiful words. Here they are in all their glory.

Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susanne the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to

I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again

Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn your head around
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things
to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now

Thought I'd see you one more time again
There's just a few things coming my way this time around, now
Thought I'd see you, thought I'd see you fire and rain, now


So, if you are moved as I was and want to help...

Donate to March of Dimes, the sweet angel that left this Earth days shy of her birthday was born premature and this contributed to her death almost three years later.

Take the No Phone Zone Pledge. The beautiful nine year old girl was 15 pedals from her home. The driver did not see her because she was on a cell phone. Oprah has started a campaign and the motto is "Dont tempt f8, That text can w8". This little girl's death was 100% preventable.

And if you want to help Haiti, go to redcross.org or call 1-800-Red-Cross, This country is going to need our help for a long time. Long after a new headline has taken hold. Long after, there are no more rescues.

And prayers. One can never go wrong with just raising another human up in prayer. I know I'll be praying in beseech and in immense, immense gratitude.

Day 114 or A Not So Little Loss

Hi everyone. First, let me again thank everyone who has shared their thoughts and prayers for my FIL. So far so good. He is doing well at home and we are optimistic that things are turning for the better. We will know more in the New Year and I shall update you all then.

While I feel very blessed to share that good news with you, I am sad to report that today was a very hard day for me. Today, my husband and I had to have our dear cat, Tuna Boy, put to sleep. A companion for longer than our marriage, he has been all over the country with us and a dear part of our family for nearly sixteen years. I have no doubt that we made the loving choice today but it was a difficult and painful one only exasperated by having to explain to our two children why their beloved pet had to leave them. I know that I am not unique to such a loss but it is a profound one.

I beg indulgence from my kind bloggers so overdue in their thanks as I postpone my anticipated celebratory post. I have not forgotten you and I look forward to being in a much better frame of mind to share my appreciation. For the moment, I am going to take a little time to process this not-so-little loss.